I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
