did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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