Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Randomize
