I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
