So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
