6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Say something about gay babies.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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