Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
