Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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