Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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