dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Is it because I queefed?
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Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
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I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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