Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
