2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
