if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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