Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
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I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
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I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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