george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I forget how to act sober
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
