Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
