Your dad touched me again.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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