I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
