Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
