Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
