Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
