I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
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Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
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Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize