Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
