i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
