Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I love having hate sex.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
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I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
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I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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