maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
