I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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