I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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