i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We have so much sex to catch up on
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
