I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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