Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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