You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
