And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
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they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
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The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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