he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
