can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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