Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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