Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You smell like stripper and shame
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize
