I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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