So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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