Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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