we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
