Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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