I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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