I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
