Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
