i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
