Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
