everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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