I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
