How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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