the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
