do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
