Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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