Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
