I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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