I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You made out with two different species that night
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
