My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
