We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
