omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
