I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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