the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
